Saturday, April 9, 2016

Reigning Cats and Dogs.

Way back in the beginning of Western Civilization, all the dogs on Earth decided to hold a worldwide convention to develop a strategy for survival.

I know this because my studies in History include author, P.J. O'Rourke.

The convention was a raucous affair, since dogs bark a lot, but they finally agreed on their fundamental guiding principles. First of all--it was decided--humans were obviously destined to rule the world. Dogs wouldn't stand a chance against clever human thinking and two-legged walking, both of which they could do at the same time. So, dogs must accept the inevitable and adapt.

Dogs must make friends with humans. Ultimately, the key to success is for dogs to become man's best friends. Select a small family of humans and follow them wherever they lead. Be incredibly loyal, run and jump and celebrate their every asinine activity, like tossing frisbees around. Learn a few human terms like "sit" and "stay," and "say please." Act happy whenever they enter the room, even if your trying to take a well-deserved nap--no need to get up, just wag your tail a little and always keep one eye open to see what they're up to. If they want you to learn the term "fetch," you may have to do the chore, especially unpleasant when some idiot thinks you enjoy swimming through cold ocean surf to fetch a little tree branch that tastes nothing like a meat-bone. Do it. They'll love you for it and feed you nutritious stuff, plus treat you with human delicacies under the dinner table. You'll have a warm place to sleep--and security for life.

Let your tongue hang out!

But, here's the paramount tactic in dog strategy: Do not poop on their living room rugs. You will be punished for such behavior. Understand--that no poop is acceptable in the their houses. They even train their own beloved human babies not to leave poop around. Sniff as you might, you won't find a dollop of poop anywhere in the house. It's amazing. So, get trained on pooping, as ridiculous as it seems (Really, who thinks about a little pile of poop? Turns out, they do).

So. Poop outside and live well.

Bang, convention adjourned.

Observing this convention of dogs, the cats on Earth decided to hold their own convention, and it was quite a different affair. They huddled mostly in a cozy pile, many of them purring. And they had no doubt about their guiding principles.

First of all--they determined--humans were a bunch of dog-like, slap-happy idiots who would bully their way into ruling the world. They're clever, violent, and they have no scruples. So, fine--who cares who rules the stupid world as long as cats can live out their nine lives in comfort and contentment?

"We are not dogs," the Chaircat assured the convention attendees--to mass meows of agreement.. "We will not--like dogs--hang out drooling tongues slavishly begging for approval. "WE WILL DO AS WE PLEASE!" declared the Chaircat, which triggered a mass demonstration, with every variety of cat joining a celebratory conga line dancing passed the podium, hips swaying, tails waving and meowing all the way. When the convention hall calmed down, the Chaircat delivered another crowd-pleasing declaration: "THE HUMANS WILL NOT TRAIN US. WE WILL TRAIN THEM!"

The cats were beside themselves with joy, laying on their backs, waving their legs and getting belly scratches from nearby happy cats. They knew that humans were no match for their beauty, grace and flat out sex appeal. Cats were just too tiny and pretty to be punished; no human had the hard heart to kick one of them, as they did dogs. Just curl into their warm, comfortable laps and purr, and your life will be good. They may even fall so in love with you that you'll get to gobble up some expensive albacore tuna, fresh out of the can.

As for the poop issue, the cats were not concerned. Poop where you please, the Chaircat said. Humans will adapt. None of them have the heart to whack your pretty puss with a rolled up newspaper to train you. They'll even provide you with a pleasant poop place, complete with aromatic granules you can use to cover the foul odor, and--believe it or not--they'll clean out the poop for you while you scratch their furniture to shreds just for the fun of it.

"If any droopy-eared, ragamuffin mutt comes into the family and tries to interfere with our lifestyle with its obnoxious sniffing around, we'll scratch his dopey eyes out," the Chaircat vowed.

Thunderous meows of approval rocked the hall as the convention closed--woe be it to dogs and humans.


  1. Gotta say that was worth reading and so true! I'm still laughing as my cat purrs at my feet looking for a treat... which she will shortly get!