Ugh--I had my prostate examined and the doctor said he felt a certain firmness on one side (the prostate is the gland which manufactures the sweet fluid which sperm frolic in on their epic swim to glory). And, by the way, in answer to salacious inquirers--YES, I'm sure the doctor was a man, and YES, I'm sure the probe he used was a finger. He recommended that I see a urologist, so I did.
The urologist turned out to be a tall, dark attractive woman of about 30 years old (Who knew? It's the first time in my life that a beautiful woman asked me to drop my pants and bend over). She agreed with the male violator that my prostate contained a suspicious "nodule." When I objected to yet another doctor's appointment, she gave me a rundown on the insidious advance of prostate cancer.
Cancer? What the hell was she talking about? My doctor never told me that firmness in the prostate is a red flag for malignant cancer.
She recommended a biopsy, so I agreed.
They give you antibiotics for the procedure which are clearly labeled, "antibiotic for prostate biopsy, so the lady behind the counter at the drugstore says to me, sotto voce, "You know, it's the best kind of cancer you can have."
Hey-hey, nothin' but the best for me!
As for the biopsy, I imagined a little Pacman on the end of a tube curling up my backside and taking a little munch, but it was more like a snakebite--twelve times! (You'll hear a little pop, the doctor says). They inject you with an anesthetic first, but you still feel a little shock of pain and wonder, "How many god dam samples do they need!".
One of the preparations prior to the biopsy requires you to give yourself an enema. The problem is you can't buy just one enema at the drugstore--you have to buy a package of two. Okay, I used one, however reluctantly, so what do I do with the other one?
I hate waste. That's why I save half a paper towel, use the backs of printed paper, and eat suspicious items from the back of my refrigerator. But, what the hell do I do with an extra enema?
"Put it on ebay," a friend suggested, laughing.
The biopsy turned out to be good news--no cancer, my "nodule" is benign--but I still have the problem of an extra enema.
Maybe I should walk into the cafeteria and make an announcement: "Anybody want a free enema?"
That oughta clear the room.