Tom's Election Coloring Book

Three cheers for the red, white and blue.

On November 4th, we'll pick a whole bunch of "leaders." Never mind that most of them will be lame opportunists, looking out for themselves--they DO make a difference, especially for your children and grandchildren. So pick your poison, red or blue, print these maps, get out your crayons, prepare your snacks and watch it on TV. It's more exciting than a Superbowl, if you ask me.

The colored areas on the map represent the places where there are no elections, so the "leaders" in these places will stay in place for at least the next two years. Fill in the blanks on November 4th, red for Republican, blue for Democrats.

For those of you who daydreamed through geography lessons, here's the cheat sheet:

Voting is the best you can do. After that, the best you can do is to have fun with it.

Crayons rule!

Bachelor Kitchen Tips: Save Money.

Always save your leftovers for the next meal. In a pinch, when you absolutely can not tolerate another bowl of macaroni and cheese, you can freeze it. Later, it may not taste like Mama used to make, but it will keep you from eating your marijuana plants to stay alive. Throw all this crap into a frying pan or pot of water, and it can be surprisingly tasty.

That's how the Irish invented their famous stew, which tastes like a water-logged potato, half an onion, one carrot, and a few meat shavings from the bones of a skinny rat (In the days of the camel caravans, all those great spices from the Middle-East and Asia never made it across the English Channel to teach those people how to cook, so that, across the generations, their taste buds atrophied into nothing more than little food-grinder-helpers for the teeth. To them, a boiled potato taste the same as a jalapeno popper).

Of course, you don't want to eat anything poisoned by bacteria, but testing leftovers is easy. I always go by my father's scientific technique: Look, Sniff, Taste. If it looks good, smells okay, and tastes okay, it's good. Shut up and eat it. If you detect a sour odor from the milk carton, it's only from the film of milk on the inside of the carton getting overripe. Bottoms up.

The result of many years of such fatherly training is a stomach that could digest a bowling ball spiced up and heated to a temperature of 350 degrees without so much as a hiccup.

Never throw out leftovers unless the growth on it reaches a height of one-quarter inch. Mow the growth off and heat the remaining lump enough to kill all living things. Let cool and eat.

I have more tips, but I'm anxious to get to my "Recipes" chapter.